What Comes With the Rain
by SssuperB
Summary: Addison loathed these days the most days such as this one, when the weather was dark and gloomy, and she felt this heavy weight on her shoulders. They made her feel like she was so alone.


**A/N: **I believe this was written a while back for a fic challenge/exchange thing. Some of you have probably read it on LJ, but I hope you all enjoy it anyhow. R&R please, as always.

**What Comes With the Rain**

The beat of the rain against the roof and the windows sounded in every room of their house. The walls shook at the roaring of thunder. A quick flash of lightning illuminated the rooms for a split second. As the wind blew harder, the trees rustled against the side of the house, making everything seem so much darker and eerie.

Addison stood before the sink scrubbing away as she stared out the window at the drenched world outside. The heavy rain that soaked the ground felt like they were pouring down onto her heart. She loathed these days the most; days such as this one, when the weather was dark and gloomy, and she felt this heavy weight on her shoulders. They made her feel like she was so alone.

All that surrounded her was darkness. The lights were dim as she absentmindedly washed the dishes, cringing as a surge of pain rushed through her body, and the memories of them, that had been pushed far away into the back of her mind, played before her…

xXxXxXxXxXx

_Addison walked quickly down the corridor with a pile of books in her arms. She was running late to class—well, late by Addison's standards meant that she was less than fifteen minutes early. Being punctual had always been important to her and it proved useful on days, like today, where she could squeeze in some last minute studying right before an exam. It was these details which allowed her to stay on top of her game, to stay ahead of everyone else. Even as she was walking swiftly to class, Addison was going over all the medical terms silently in her head; so lost in thought that she couldn't react quickly enough to avoid running into the person that had stepped in front of her after they turned from a side hallway. She collided into said person, causing all of their books to fall to the floor._

"_I'm so sorry," Addison said as she crouched down to sort out which books were hers and gathered them into her arms again, silently cursing herself for being so clumsy._

_A whole hearted chuckle came from a few feet away._

"_It's quite alright," said the male, picking up the rest of his books just as she was._

_She smiled and looked up, only to become lost in the sea of blue that was his eyes. Her breath caught in her throat and she slowly stood up, keeping her eyes on him. She'd never met anyone with such mesmerizing eyes._

_He gave her a charming smile and greeted her. "Hi, I'm Derek Shepherd."_

_Addison stared at him blankly. It took her a moment before she realized what was going on and snapped out of her reverie. That smile was going to be the death of her and she knew it._

"_Addison Montgomery," she said, extending out an unsteady hand due to the pile of books she held in her arms._

_The growing smile on his face as he shook her hand made her heart flutter. She wasn't accustomed to feeling this way around anyone and it slightly scared her. Addison was never the one to win hearts in high school. She wasn't one of the popular girls who turned down dates to the prom. Instead, she was a band geek with braces who had resorted to asking her best friend's cousin, Skippy Gold, to the prom and then spent the entire night talking about Star Wars. Even though she'd changed very much from the young woman she was in high school, she still wasn't used to talking to men, especially men as handsome as the one who stood before her. _

_Addison tore her eyes away from him when she realized she had been staring. She tried to focus on anything other than this Derek Shepherd, but her eyes repeatedly returned to him. Not knowing why she was so drawn to him, Addison smiled meekly and shifted her weight between her feet. He let out another small laugh and eyed her, making her more nervous than she already had been. _

"_Aren't you—aren't you in my gross anatomy class with Professor Johnson? We have a test today," Derek said, still smiling at her. How she wished he would stop smiling and making her feel this way. _

_She nodded; tucking her red hair behind her ear as she hugged her books to her chest with her other arm. "Yeah, I've been studying for it all morning." She returned his smile and wondered if she was making him feel the same way. She quickly dismissed that thought. Of course he wasn't as anxious as she was. He probably had hundreds of girls going after him and it surprised her that he was actually standing here talking to her in the first place._

_Turning her body slightly, Addison tilted her head to the side in the direction of their classroom. "I shou—we should go," she said softly. Getting to class and studying was a major priority to her, but briskly walking away from someone who'd been a complete gentleman towards her seemed a little rude, and Addison Montgomery was not a rude person._

"_Yeah, we should." Derek turned and started to walk down the corridor with Addison at his side. _

_The number of butterflies within her stomach seemed to grow with every step they took and every word he said. She didn't know why she was feeling this way or if the sensation would go away. Addison continued to laugh and smile at his comments, occasionally adding her own snide remark. Soon, things became more comfortable and it just felt right. Her nervousness quickly surpassed and by the time they reached their class, she didn't even care that she was late anymore._

xXxXxXxXxXx

She could still remember everything that followed that day vividly; the way their laughs had turned heads when they entered the room, the way he smiled at her when they turned in their tests at the same time, and the way he had asked her out for coffee by making silent hand gestures from across the room.

The beginning had been wonderful for Derek and Addison, almost as if it had been a fantasy made into reality. They'd been very much in love and were inseparable to everyone that knew them. With their strong feelings for one another, marriage had come easy after med school. As interns, they would make the early morning trek to the hospital together. When they were residents, they'd make sure to set aside time for each other which usually consisted of brown baggies on top of the Empire State Building or bringing back their former med school days by ordering Chinese take out after a long, tiring shift. But then things began to change somewhere along the way.

Derek started to become more involved with work. They stopped meeting for lunch in the cafeteria. Sleeping in the same bed at night became rarer and rarer, and everything consisted of quick kisses on the cheek and insincere apologies for having to cancel for surgery.

Addison never imagined they would become that couple. She never imagined she'd end up here either; idly washing dishes until they sparkled, inside an almost empty house and watching the rain pouring down outside.

Rainy days never had been her favorite type of weather, and it would never be. The sound of thunder came crashing against the walls and memories she had desperately tried to suppress came rushing back to her…

xXxXxXxXxXx

_The crash of thunder sounded around them as their bodies moved together. The continual rain streamed down the windows and pooled along the sill, and the intermittent flashes of lightning illuminated their faces for mere seconds at a time._

_In the darkness she could pretend. She could pretend that the man she was with was her husband. She could pretend that Derek still loved her and actually cared. But in those brief moments where she couldn't hide from the truth, her heart ached, wishing so badly that things could be different for once. How much better it would be they could go back to being the happy 'Addison and Derek.'_

_Everything had been fine until it wasn't. She couldn't pin point the exact time he had stopped seeing her; he just had. Maybe she just wasn't pretty enough for him anymore or maybe she'd done something wrong. Maybe it was never meant to be, but no; she couldn't think that way. Addison loved Derek and she always would. She just wished she knew how they had gotten to this point; when she had started relying on Mark to comfort her, and when she had begun to see Mark as something more than just a friend. But mostly, she just wondered how she had become one of those women, who were so desperate for attention; they were willing to become an adulteress._

_That's what she had become; a calculating adulteress. __It wasn't something she had expected, nor was it something she wanted to happen. It just did, as many of the other things that had happened to her. Her mother had just died, her best friend had just moved away, her husband had just stopped loving her (or so it seemed). Things just happened to Addison; things she couldn't help, and things she wished she could change._

_With another roaring of the thunder, the door to their bedroom swung open and a feeling of regret swept over her body. She knew, then, that she would wonder for the rest of her life how different things would be had she not done this, the biggest mistake she had ever made._

_Derek stood at the door, staring at them for a minute. She quickly pushed Mark off of her body and scrambled to cover herself with the sheets. Her breathing became more rigid and unrhythmic as she struggled to take in air. Why had she done this? Why did this have to happen to her?_

"_Derek," she called out softly. He just turned and walked away. Several moments later, the door to their study could be heard closing._

_Addison shut her eyes tightly, holding back her tears. Her husband had just caught her in bed with his best friend and all he did was walk away. He could have screamed. He could have yelled. He could have reacted in so many different ways, but he didn't. Addison wasn't sure which hurt more, the years of being neglected or Derek's lack of response to her infidelity. Nevertheless, all of it was breaking her down and pulling her apart, little by little._

_She pursed her lips together and tried to pat down her hair with one hand as the other held the sheet around her body tightly._

"_Mark, you need to go," she said, letting the sheet slip down enough for her to pull on a T-shirt of Derek's that had been discarded on the floor._

"_I'm not leaving you, Addison; not when we don't know what he's going to do. He might—"_

"_Just go…please," Addison pleaded quietly. She could tell he was contemplating and hesitant to leave, but he didn't say anything as he got dressed._

_Time seemed to slow for her as she sat there and Mark was putting on his clothes. If only she could control time so she could go back and fix all of their problems. She would have even settled for being able to make this whole thing pass by faster because time was supposed to numb the pain, it was supposed to heal things. But unfortunately, like many other things in life, Addison had no control over time._

_Pulling on his last article of clothing, Mark went to stand in front of her. She avoided his gaze, wishing he would just disappear, wishing that none of this ever happened. Letting out a sigh, she silently wondered why he hadn't gone yet._

"_Addison," he began slowly in his usual low voice. "You have to tell—"He stopped mid-sentence and stared at her. He sighed, giving her what could be interpreted as a sympathetic look._

"_You know how to find me if you need anything."_

_With that, Mark exited the room and within seconds of the front door closing, Derek stormed out of the study and into their bedroom, going straight to the walk-in closet. Everything seemed to speed up and Addison quickly clambered to her feet, pulling on a pair of shorts from off the floor._

"_Derek, listen to me. You can't do this," she said quickly, adjusting her shorts and watching him as he gathered her expensive clothing into his arms. "Derek, we have to—we have to talk about this. You have to give me a chance to explain." She chased him around the bed, desperately trying to get through to him. This one time, this one time, couldn't he just listen to her this one time?_

"_No, we don't," he said defiantly before he grabbed as much of her clothing as he could and walked away from her._

"_What're you doing? What're you doing with my clothes, Derek?" Addison cried, running after him._

_Everything had sped up to an insurmountable pace and it seemed as if he'd be out of reach forever. They rounded a corner and Addison, in all her fervor, misjudged the distance and bumped into the small table in the hallway. The quick twinge of pain she felt in her side was nothing compared to immense amount of fear coursing through her body. She couldn't lose him, not like this._

_Derek continued his swift journey down the stairs with Addison right behind him, screaming at the top of her lungs, trying to explain herself in hopes that he'd turn around to look at her and see how much she regretted this. "It was one time. I know that's what people say. I know that's what always gets said. It was just—I don't even know how it happened. I don't know what I was thinking. He was just here. He was just here." Her words flew out of her mouth without thought just as quickly as her feet descended upon each of the steps. She didn't have time to think. Everything was moving too rapidly. She halted abruptly at the bottom of the stairs as he started to turn around._

"_You screw my best friend and all you can say is he was just here?" he called back at her and opened the front door, throwing all of her clothes out onto the sidewalk, letting them get soaked and ruined by the downpour. "Get out."_

"_No," Addison said, shaking her head slowly. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen at all. It was never meant to be this way._

"_Get out," Derek said again in a flat tone as if it were the only thing he could say in their current situation._

_Addison couldn't give up. She had to make him understand, she had to try and make this right. "No, no. I'm not going. We have to talk about this."_

"_Get out…of my house, now!" he exclaimed._

_The fear within her rose to a new level, as she couldn't anticipate what was to come. She didn't know what he would do; she barely knew what she wanted to say. All she had wanted was for him to see her again, and now he did. It just wasn't the way she had hoped for, because now he didn't see her as his wife or his best friend. She knew, through the look in his eyes, that all he saw when he looked at her now was her infidelity._

_Addison sank to the floor and held onto the banister with all her strength as Derek made his way over to her._

"_No, no. I'm holding my ground. I'm holding my ground. We don't quit! We have to work," she cried, pointing her finger at him as she stared up at him. If her words weren't getting through to him, her eyes had to convey her message. But he wasn't listening to what she was saying, he wasn't looking at her and all her efforts went to waste._

"_Get out," were Derek's final words before his big, strong hands gripped tightly onto her arms and pulled her away from the stairs._

"_What're you doing? Derek, no, no." _

_Before she could react in any way, the door had slammed shut in front of her face. The tears she had been trying hold back cascaded down her cheeks in streams as she banged gently on the glass. She was all alone outside in the rain; so close to him and yet so far. The cold air hit the back of her legs with a gush of wind and her hair became a frizzled mess because of the moist air; all of which she could care less._

_Her words came in long sobs as she struggled to find something to say. But all she could manage was, "Please, please. Please, Derek. Please." Addison continued to plead through the barrier between them, pressing her palms and forehead against the glass as she cried and struggled to breathe. The door slowly opened and a minute feeling of hope crept upon her from the pit of her stomach._

"_I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she said through her sobs. With her hands held up in the air, she stepped inside and hugged him loosely, afraid that if she were to make any sudden movements he would vanish before her. "You have to give me a chance. You have to give me a chance to show you how sorry I am. I'm sorry, okay? Okay?"_

_Addison eased into his touch as he lightly rubbed her back. Suddenly, Derek's hands settled on her waist and he pushed her back. Her lips sought his as she cupped his face in her hands and when he avoided looking at her, she knew things would never be the same._

"_I'm gonna go, you stay. I'll get my clothes in the morning," he said simply, his eyes wandering around the room, looking at the walls, the floor, the furniture, anywhere but her._

_Her worst fears were becoming a reality and she tried her best to fight them, telling herself that it wasn't happening and that everything would be alright. "No no no no no, we can survive this, Derek." She ran her fingers through her hair and looked at him sadly, pleading that he not give up on them. "We can survive this. We're—we're Addison and Derek."_

_Derek glanced at her before looking away again. "I can't look at you. I look at you and I feel nauseous. I just—"He shook his head slowly. "We're not Derek and Addison anymore."_

_She looked at him incredulously, not believing that his was happening to her, to them. "If you go now, if you go now, we are not going to get through this. If you go now, we don't have a chance. We don't have a chance, if you go now, if you go..."_

_Turning, he walked away and out the door, letting it shut on them both._

xXxXxXxXxXx

The now sparkling dish slipped out of her hands as she was drying it and shattered into tiny pieces as it made contact with the floor. The crash caused Addison to jump and brought her attention back to reality.

It had been nearly five years since that fateful night, five years since she'd last seen Derek. She couldn't remember most of what had followed after Derek's departure. It was all just a blur. She remembered sinking down onto the floor and staring at the door as if he'd come through it and tell her he'd forgiven her. She remembered crying for two hours straight, not leaving her spot on the ground, until a knock came upon her door.

_Mrs. Shepherd, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband was involved in a car accident earlier this evening._

Derek hadn't made it. The heavy rain had obscured the semi driver's vision, and Derek had died on impact. In a blink of the eye he was gone, and like everything else, it just happened and she couldn't do anything about it. She, of course, blamed herself, spending every waking minute wondering about the "what ifs," wondering had she done something else, if he'd still be here with her.

The tears soon came and Addison wiped them away with her sleeve, kneeling down to pick up the shards of porcelain scattered across the kitchen floor. Over the beating of the rain against the windows and the sound of thunder, a small voice came from the threshold that led into the living room.

"Mommy?"

She looked up and found her four year old daughter, Andrea Melanie Shepherd, standing barefoot at the threshold in her Blue's Clues PJ's. She was rubbing her eyes softly while hugging her favorite teddy bear, which had originally been a gift from Derek to Addison, in her left arm. Her hair was messy and one of her pant-legs was rolled up higher than the other.

Smiling softly at the sight of Andrea, Addison tried to quickly pick up the larger broken pieces of the plate as she also attempted to push her pain filled thoughts into the back of her mind. "Don't come over here, sweetie. There's broken glass on the floor," she said as she began to sweep the rest of the shards into a dustpan.

After she finished, Addison walked over to Andrea, who had obediently stayed where she was, and scooped the little girl into her arms. Andrea wrapped her tiny arms around her mother's neck, hugging her teddy bear between their bodies.

Keeping up a happy facade for her daughter wasn't easy, especially when the weather was dreary and the sky was crying onto the world, and all she could think about was Derek. But even so, she managed to put on a smile despite the wounds the rain always seemed to rip open.

"What are you doing up, munchkin?" Addison asked as she ran her fingers through Andrea's thick, red hair, working out the tangles that had formed at the ends.

"I heard a loud noise and came down to see what happened," the little girl said softly, placing her hand on her mother's cheek. "Are you okay, mommy?"

She and Andrea had always shared a great bond, one similar to what she had with Derek but even stronger. They were always able to tell when the other was in the room or could sense when something was wrong.

"I'm okay now," Addison said and placed a kiss on Andrea's temple, causing a content smile to appear on the child's face. "Let's get you back to bed, little one."

Andrea's head rested on Addison's shoulder as she carried her upstairs. "Mommy, the thunder scares me," she said suddenly, hugging Addison tighter after the windows shook from another roar. "Can I sleep with you tonight?" she whispered her request softly in Addison's ear.

Addison rubbed her back up and down. There was no way she was going to decline. Her daughter was scared, she was lonely, and it seemed they both needed each other. They didn't have a male figure to protect them or give them the sense of security they needed. They only had each other and that had to be enough.

"Of course, baby," she replied as the pair walked into Addison's bedroom, Andrea close to slumber in her mother's arms. Addison set her down onto the center of the bed and got in beside her, wrapping her arms securely around her little girl again. She tried her best to make Andrea feel as safe as possible. She brushed the hair out of Andrea's face and stared into her eyes, Derek's eyes, which kept fluttering close only to open again for a few seconds.

It wasn't long before Andrea was sound asleep and Addison was left with her thoughts. She found herself staring out the window again, watching the rain drops accumulate and slide down the glass as the thunder and lightning clashed outside.

Two hours after Derek left, she'd gotten that knock on her door that changed her life forever. She had been filled with a great amount of pain and all she had wished for was that things end up differently. There were so many things she could have done to prevent it all. She wished she had fought harder for his attention rather than turn to Mark. She could have found a better answer. Mark had been comforting but still, he was not Derek. Addison knew that nobody could ever replace Derek in her heart, but she had tried anyway and now he was gone. The pain was unbearable and the void in her heart, she thought, would never be filled again.

Five days after he walked out the front door of their brownstone, Addison had woken up with a sick feeling in her stomach. It was emptied of its contents before she could even start to get ready for work. She was one of the world's foremost neonatal surgeons, she knew the symptoms. She just never thought she'd be having a baby, Derek's baby, under such circumstances. It wasn't fair for anybody involved and really, it was a real life tragedy. She'd spent days crying and trying to figure out what she was going to do. Without Derek she felt lost.

Three weeks from that dreadful night, she moved out and bought a small house for herself and her unborn child. Living in their brownstone, she figured, would be too hard. Everywhere she turned, there was some memory of Derek that she couldn't shake off. His voice could be heard from every corner. His face would appear on every surface. She couldn't live in a house that haunted her and served as a constant reminder of her loss. She just couldn't do it.

Six months into her pregnancy, Mark proposed and she had to gently turn him down. Although he'd been by her side at every pre-natal checkup and had been the most helpful person around her, she couldn't say yes. It wasn't that she doubted his love for her, because it was obvious he did. She just knew, however, that she couldn't give him her whole heart because it would always belong to Derek and that would not be fair to him nor her.

On March 9, 2005, Addison gave birth to her beautiful baby girl, Andrea, named after one of Derek's closest aunts. The feeling of holding her daughter in her arms was so much different from what she had imagined it would be like. She was used to handling babies; it was what she did for a living, but to have her child, a being that she helped create, nestled in her arms brought an overwhelming joy.

Now four years later, it still felt like bliss to hold Andrea in her arms and watch her as she slept. Hearing her laugh or seeing her smile never failed to bring a smile to Addison's face. Andrea was how she had survived without Derek. When she was around, she took away her pain. Derek may have been physically gone, but he still remained with her through their daughter. Their love shone through the storm, no matter what the rain brought with it.


End file.
